Avalon presents

John Kearns: The Varnishing Days

John Kearns: The Varnishing Days Top / Details
Fri 15 Mar - Fri 15 Mar 2024

Written and performed by John Kearns
Directed by Jon Brittain

The Varnishing Days is the heart-stopping, glasses-dropping, hard-rocking, wig-shaking, levothyroxine-taking, knee-knocking, boot-licking, justifying, teeth rattling, digressing new show from stand up comedian to the stars John Kearns.

Go silent as I walk on! Acknowledge when something funny happens! Leave discussing dinner plans! Others will be implicated. Points will be circled and missed. Hell, it’s a man trying his best! When I visit your town dogs will start barking, as will clergy. Your microwave will go haywire. The lights in your vestibule will flicker and the Bank of England will nervously look at interest rates. On the day I write this, the pound has hit an all-time low against the dollar. Mark my words. This show will break that record again and again and again.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

‘The finest set of his career... what a show'

The Guardian

★ ★ ★ ★

'About as funny as anything this decade'

The Times

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

‘It’s all rather wonderful’


★ ★ ★ ★

“There is something quite magical about the world John Kearns creates… exquisite to watch.”

The I

★ ★ ★ ★

“Kearns' poised, poetic stream of consciousness is the whirring logic of a very funny man with a profound understanding of the human condition.”

The Scotsman

★ ★ ★ ★

“a tender, poignant show, Kearns can deliver big-laugh gags and callbacks in a terrific hour of comedy.”

The Arts Desk

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

“a flawless fusion of gut-busting laughter and razor-sharp observations... comedic gold”

Broadway Baby

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

“silliness and sentiment together to extraordinary effect… laugh-till-you-fall-off-your-stool”

The Skinny

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

“This is yet another superb hour from a gifted writer and performer, suffused with beauty, tenderness and frequent, exceptional hilarity.”

The List

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

“John Kearns is in complete control, a master of his craft, whose act – a decade after it made its debut the Edinburgh Fringe – seems to just keep getting better and better.”


★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Evening Standard

★ ★ ★ ★

The Telegraph

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

The Mirror

★ ★ ★ ★

The Metro

★ ★ ★ ★

Time Out

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Jerwood Theatre Downstairs

7.00pm & 9.30pm

Age recommendation: 14+

This event is part of a series of live comedy events by Avalon. Avalon will be using the Jerwood Theatre Downstairs for ten days this March to host a line-up of award-winning comedians. Tickets are now on public sale through Ticketmaster, See Tickets and the Royal Court Theatre website.


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